On Death And Dying: 5 Tips For Having "The Talk" With Your Parents

Engage Team • August 8, 2016

Roz Chast, a popular cartoonist of The New Yorker, published a graphic memoir titled Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant? In the memoir, Chast addresses the difficulties she faced at the end of her parents' lives. Talking about death with anyone can be an uncomfortable conversation, and it can seem almost impossible when it comes to your own parents. Regardless of the appeal of the conversation, there are crucial details you and your parents need to discuss to ensure that the end of their lives is handled the way they would want.

Procrastinating this conversation can result in financial, personal, and even spiritual burdens. Do you know if your parents have a will? What are their wishes should they get sick, or too feeble to take care of themselves? What sort of funeral arrangements have they made? What will happen to all of their things when they die? You can avoid uncertainties by having this conversation early and often.


There are many excuses for avoiding this conversations: lack of time, your parents’ unwillingness to talk about death and dying, or even the assumption that “everything will work out somehow.” Avoid the pitfalls of these excuses and consider these five things when you’re getting ready to talk about the tough issues:

1. Be honest. In this conversation, you will be required to ask some difficult questions and being frank and honest will make this easier. Will there be enough money to cover the cost of the unexpected? Do your parents wish to be kept on life support? Do they wish to be buried or cremated? Try opening your conversation with a genuine expression: “I want to know how to honor your wishes when the time comes. Do you have a will?"

2. Be considerate. As difficult as a talk about your parents’ death may be for you, it may be much more challenging for them. A lot of us often think of seniors as “on their way out,” with little to offer the world around them. After all, we lead separate lives and it’s easy to let the important things slip through the cracks. Your parents may be feeling obsolete, anxious, or even depressed. Consider these issues from their point of view and try your best to remain sympathetic when asking the tough questions. Be sure to let them know that they’re important to you and that you want what’s best for them.

3. Make plans. Making plans for the future can seem overwhelming, but it is better to make them sooner rather than later. Proper planning can relieve the heavy burdens your family might face when a relative passes away. Experiencing the death of a loved one is an emotional time in itself, and the added pressures of financial issues and other important decisions can quickly cause overwhelm. Here are a few plans that should be sorted out early:

    • A plan for property, such as real estate and personal items.
    • A plan for finances, including unpaid bills, taxes, and financial assets you might not know about.
    • A plan for medical issues, such as emergencies and final decisions about healthcare.
    • Funeral and memorial arrangements, including any wishes your parents may have post-mortem.

Write these plans down. Agree on a safe location for any important documents so they can be found easily.

4. Listen and be respectful. While it’s true that you will be the one dealing with these things once the time comes, this is about your parents and their wishes. Be sure to ask questions and listen to what is important to them. They may have stories about their families or lives that they want to tell you so that you can pass them on to others. They may want to talk about their personal views on life, death, and religion or spirituality. Be open to what they want to pass on and leave behind when they die.

5. Make the most of your time together. Break the tension and lighten the mood by reassuring your parents (and yourself) that having the important conversations early and often means you have more time to spend together, and that you are bringing yourselves closer together by being honest and open about difficult matters. After all the plans have been made, you’ll be relieved to know that your parents’ wishes are being fulfilled and that many of the difficult questions have already been decided for the future.

By talking to your parents about their final wishes early and often, you can avoid adding further stress and uncertainty to an already trying time. Make the decision to have “the talk” and start making plans today.

What to Expect at a National Cemetery Funeral

By Engage Team • November 19, 2018
While there are certain standards of etiquette that apply to all funerals, the funeral process at a national cemetery is slightly different than a traditional cemetery. Knowing what to expect at a funeral or memorial service can make the process more comfortable for everyone involved. If you are going to a ceremony for a deceased veteran at a national cemetery, here is what to expect. National Cemeteries Don’t Host Funerals It’s important to be aware that national cemeteries don’t have the facilities to host traditional funeral services or open-casket viewing. Sometimes, families will choose to have a funeral prior to the ceremony at the national cemetery. The service that is held at a national cemetery is called “final committal service” and it is held at a committal shelter. When you arrive at the national cemetery, there will be an official to direct you to the proper committal shelter (there are often several of these shelters at a national cemetery). The final committal service usually lasts less than half an hour and can include (or not include) military honors . Flowers At most national cemeteries, it is appropriate for the family to provide flowers for the service. These will often travel with the urn or casket from the committal shelter to the gravesite and ultimately be placed on the filled grave. Each national cemetery has an individualized floral policy, so it’s important to confirm that your arrangement is welcome. You Can Visit the Grave... Later Funeral attendees are welcome to visit the grave of the veteran after the work day is over, but not immediately after the committal service. Arlington National Cemetery is Differen t Arlington National Cemetery, which honors between 27 and 30 deceased veterans each day, has a slightly different process. Attendees will meet at one of four meeting points in or around the cemetery and should plan to arrive between 30 and 45 minutes before the service because of security procedures. Arlington National Cemetery often has funeral processions and military honors can be performed at the gravesite, unlike other national cemeteries. During the honors, which are performed after the graveside service, the family will stand but other attendees are free to sit. After honors, an Arlington lady may present a card of condolences. This is the conclusion of the service and attendees will return to their cars.

7 Poems for a Funeral

By Engage Team • August 6, 2018
Poetry is an ancient form of written word that can bring immense comfort in times of grief. Death and loss are timeless subjects that have been explored by some of the greatest poets in history. If you have been asked to speak at a funeral, these poems can make excellent choices for readings. They can provide comfort and light during a dark and challenging time. 1. Death is Nothing At All by Henry Scott Holland Henry Scott Holland was a Professor of Divinity at Oxford and a canon of Christ Church in the late 1800s and early 1900s. This poem wasn’t a poem when it was first read, but a sermon written by the professor after King Henry’s death in 1910. The poem imbues listeners with a comforting sense that, though the deceased is gone, they are still close in heart and spirit. 2. A Child of Mine by Edgar Guest A deeply religious work, this poem is written from the perspective of Christ as a message to those who have loved the deceased, his child. It celebrates the honor of loving and caring for someone while they enjoy their earthly life, while also providing solace that the deceased has moved on to be with his Maker. 3. If I should die by Emily Dickinson Emily Dickinson is a recognizable name and her short, sometimes tragic, poetry has resonated with readers for centuries. This brief piece uses imagery of the natural world—“If birds should build as early/And bees as bustling go,”—to remind the audience that the world keeps turning. Death and loss can feel enormous and all-consuming, and this poem is a small, beautiful reminder that life goes on even as we experience grief. This idea is hopeful, because it means that we may someday be able to return to normality, if a bit changed. 4. Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep by Mary Elizabeth Frye Like Death is Nothing At All, this poem reminds the reader that, though the deceased is gone in body, they are still present in spirit. This idea—that we carry our loved ones with us through experiences like feeling “the gentle autumn rain” or seeing “the diamond glints on snow,”—is a popular one that provides closure and peace during the sad occasion of a funeral. 5. Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost Another recognizable poet, Robert Frost was deeply inspired by nature. This poem outwardly appears to be about the seasons, which always change. It highlights the march of time that none of us can escape. This poem is a popular reading for funerals because it parallels the deceased with something gold—a good friend, a dear family member, no matter how loved, can never stay forever. 6. O Captain! My Captain! by Walt Whitman Another popular choice for funeral readings, Walt Whitman’s O Captain! My Captain! was written after the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. This poem, a bit darker than the previous ones on this list, still carries a sense of honor for the deceased. It is a popular choice for veterans or those who have worked together. While some of the images in the poem are forlorn, there is also a sense of celebration and positivity to the achievements of the deceased: “For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding.” 7. Dirge Without Music by Edna St. Vincent Millay This poem is a very relatable one for a funeral. It is about the reluctance to accept death, despite its inevitability. Readers of this poem make positive associations with the deceased through lines like, “Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind/Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave,” while also acknowledging the difficulty of loss. The Right Poem for You These are some of the most classic choices. While you might want to find a new or unique poem to read at a funeral (or even write your own), there can be immense comfort in a reading this is familiar to you and the audience. Choose a reading that resonates with you and brings you peace, and it is sure to be a wonderful addition to the funeral.

How to Create a Funeral Program

By Engage Team • July 23, 2018
The program is a small and easy-to-forget part of a well-planned, organized funeral or memorial service. Sometimes called an order of service, the funeral program is a simple brochure or pamphlet that you hand out to guests. This document outlines the process of the service (what will happen) and sometimes includes a brief overview of the life milestones and achievements of the deceased. As with many features in a funeral or memorial service, programs are not “required,” but they can be a pleasant feature that honors the deceased and provides attendees with happy memories. If you decide to create programs for a funeral service, here are some tips. Do It Yourself or Outsource While planning a funeral is often an overwhelming duty, you might be able to find time to make your own funeral programs. Sometimes, outlining the life of your loved one can even be therapeutic and healing. It can also help you visualize the process of the funeral or memorial service, which can be comforting. If creating the program sounds too difficult or you just don’t have time, you can also outsource this duty to a printer or online service who will create and mail you the programs. You will still need to provide the information to be included in the program and an image of the deceased. The printer will also want some guidance about type of paper, art to be included, and font for the program. What to Include in a Funeral Program A funeral program is often a folded document, much like a greeting card. In this style, the cover includes a large image of the deceased, their name and life and death dates. The inside pages are for the obituary and the order of events for the service. You can also include copies of scripture readings or poems that will be delivered at the service. Another option, which also saves money, is to create a one page program. In this style, you can include a small image of the deceased at the top of the page, their name and life dates, and the order of events. You also have the option of including a short obituary on the back on the page, but it’s not necessary. Here is a short checklist if what to include in the funeral program: An image of the deceased Their full name Dates of birth and death Order of events for service Obituary ( click here to read more about how to write an obituary) Funeral Program Templates If you’ve chosen to create and print your own funeral programs, templates can be very helpful. There are plenty of places that you can find these. Canva is a free website that allows you to download templates, enter your personal information and add design elements. QuickFuneral.com also offers a variety of templates that you can download and edit. While you are free to simply use Microsoft Word or another text editing software, templates can offer a more professional, polished look for your funeral program. Are Funeral Programs Important? Funeral programs can provide a more organized experience during the funeral for guests and the family of the deceased. During a time of grief, organization and simplicity are important. But the creation of a funeral program shouldn’t be a burden or another source of stress. If you have time, the program can be a useful addition to the memorial service, but it shouldn’t upset you further during a time of grief. Make the right decision for you and your circumstances when it comes to creating a funeral program.
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